Yesterday morning I had a moment…a moment of I don’t know what!
It happened first thing upon waking when I stepped on the scale for the first time in two weeks.
It happened after two weeks of frustrating pain and constant prayer for the discipline to try, try again to drop some weight so as to improve my health related issues.
I wasn’t asking for much. But I sure was hoping to see at least ONE DANG POUND drop after not allowing myself one miniscule eentsy teensy BIT of leeway in the realm of sugar or starch for two weeks straight!
I thought for sure the scale might tip in my favor – just a little bit.
I don’t know what to label this snapshot in time as, and for the first time in a while, I feel like I’m at a loss for the right words to describe the state I am in currently. All I can say is that all of me (including the couple of pounds I have even gained) felt suspended in time when I stepped on that scale.
Suspended in an ugly moment in time….I guess that’s one way to feel lighter ~ albeit a sad substitute for true weight loss ~ (smirking to the max right about now).
I couldn’t believe my ever-loving eyes. The discouragement I felt was palpable.
“No. This can not be.”
I shall just foam at the mouth for a bit, I guess. Maybe the words will capture this moment I had and maybe they won’t.
But I have to try.
First, let me give you some background. Coming right up, is a by-no-mean-exhaustive list of what all I have done, tried, been open to, over the past two years to contend with my “problem.”
- My Fibromyalgia problem.
- My ensuing weight gain problem.
- My weight gain because of Fibro and then worsening of the Fibro problem.
- My problem of learning how to live for this moment and be content, yet not fall into a resignation-of-sorts about the desire to just. give. up. problem!
- My problem regarding the need to keep on trying – (at least TRY for crying out loud!!!) – to not get sucked all the way down by this beast.
Yeh ~ THAT problem. Bleck!
Chiropractic, Massage, Cognitive Therapy, Myofacial Release, Physical Therapy, Thyroid Meds, Gluten Free eating, strictly juicing, no sugar, no starch, calorie counting, dry body brushing, low inflammation diet, shots of lemon, vinegar and baking soda, accupuncture, essential oils, book reading and research galore, supplements unending under the supervision of a Fibro specialty doctor, support groups, sleeping in all organic materials, changing all my clothing and toiletries, sleeping with a fan at just the right setting and on my face, melatonin, lunesta, 5htp, Sam-e, vitamins I never knew existed, purified water, alkaline water, sugar free cranberry juice concoction all day long, Reflexology, Cupping, Yoga, Walking, Exercising when I can, Not exercising when I can’t, seminar watching, Youtube searching, book reading, rest, stretching, ergo changes galore, epsom salt bathing, sun soaking for melatonin, light therapy, aromatherapy…
….and the list goes on and on.
It’s time to breathe, yo.
The by-no-means-exhaustive list is only part of what I have done in the physical realm. This does not include all the prayer, all the crying out to the Lord, or any of the other stuff that is IN FRONT OF all of these things, dudes.
Not at all. Not at all exhaustive.
But this girl’s still simply……exhausted.
And so yet another ugly moment came yesterday morning – where I felt I had exhausted everything I haven’t drawn a line in the sand over – my last ditch effort to lose weight but still be able to maintain a semblance of pain control over the Fibro -…it was made clear: that yet again…I had failed.
EPIC FAIL, YO!
In fact, I gained almost two pounds. (Can I cry now?)
I. will. not. cave. in.
I will not cross the line into the realm that the Lord has made clear to me that I am not to enter into by any means.
- No one is gonna be hypnotizing me.
- No one is performing some kind of surgery on me to help me lose weight (although that is something I am not against for certain peeps and certain situations).
- I will not visualize my higher self through meditation or yoga.
- I will not tap into the “power of me”.
Yet I want more. I want more for my life than this ugly Fibro monster. I want more for my life than this small woman trapped inside a bunch of blubber. I am thankful others can’t really see it – that I “carry it well.” But I know the truth. And this moment of truth stinks.
I don’t so much begrudge the fact that I have Fibromyalgia. I see the good God has brought out of an affliction and I am not even asking that it be removed. He will do that if He wants to some day – my faith is strong and I know that He knows what is best.
I just want to be able to cope with it and learn from it. I don’t want it to drag me down into a pit of despair.
I don’t care that I am not supermodel material anymore and that I am pushing 50 and the lines on my face are deeper and my skin is not so supple any more.
I just want to be able to smile and shine the love of Jesus through it all.
I don’t care that I am not the perfect, ideal weight and cannot run for ten miles (although I miss that).
I just want to be healthy and not “overweight”, because being overweight makes all the rest of it worsen.
I just want!
I just want!
I. JUST. WANT.
Uber Important Side Note: Do you think that when God says for us to come like a child unto Him, that means toddler behavior is acceptable as well? Just sayin’.
I want to stop feeling like I halfway relate to Job in the Bible. (I don’t have a CLUE of the hard that man suffered, yet I, in my simple little way, sorta-kinda feel I can relate to the guy ~ ‘cept I’m not as absolutely GOOD as he was – no way, no how).
Yet I do know that I am better for the hard stuff and the trials. I do know that God works ALL things together for our good. I do know that suffering and affliction draws us into a place in our relationship with Jesus that we don’t necessarily experience without it.
But in spite of what I do know, I was still just hoping for a little victory yesterday morning. And again, I was looking in the wrong place for that.
(Duh! Ya think?)
So yesterday morning – this moment in the morning time yesterday in which I stepped on that dreaded scale, it felt like all of my hard work just. meant. nothing.
It even felt like all of my hard work actually HURT me, friends.
Maybe it did.
And I find myself at the ugly and horrible place again today – teetering on the line. Knowing I won’t cross the lines that have been drawn for me, yet hanging on by a thread to the ever-present tightrope that is suspended between surrender and full-on giving up.
It’s a fine one – that line is. And I don’t mean fine in the positive sense of the word.
When the truth hits you full on in the face and isn’t softened by anything else in that same moment, it’s hard to absorb.
It’s hard to stomach the fact that I may remain overweight for the rest of my life. I may gain even more weight. And all of this hurts my Fibromyalgia and chances of reversing it immensely.
- It’s hard not to wallow.
- It’s hard not to despair.
- It’s hard not to want to roll up into a fat little ball and just cry, cry cry.
- Sometimes I just want to jump.
I am a lover of truth most of the time. But sometimes, the truth is hard to accept. I keep hearing myself saying “it can’t be true!”
“This CAN’T be right?”
“This CAN’T be how it’s supposed to be, right?”
But maybe it is.
Maybe there’s a good reason my body needs forty extra pounds on it. I always have thought of that as a bad thing, but is it possible it’s meant for my good?
Is it possible?
And if so, can I accept it? Can this girl accept being forty or more pounds overweight for her frame?
I don’t know. I really do not know.
But I know this: For now, I have to take a break from all the trying. I also have to keep on going and be open to what the Lord brings my way. I’m there, friends. I will try something else if He so leads, but I will stay status quo as well if that’s what is in the near future too.
No matter what happens or doesn’t happen, I am HIS child.
For now, I have to stop doing what seems like wheel spinning, because frankly, it’s wearing me out. And I covet your prayers.
There has to be some kind of beauty to be found in this moment of truth. Either that, or it’s not a moment of truth at all – instead it may be a moment of a counterfeit kind of truth (a nice way of saying it very well could be a BIG FAT LIE).
I don’t know which it is yet, but it’s either one or the other.
And this girl? Well, that’s what I am going to seek to find out as I draw near to the Lord and cry, cry cry for the next couple of weeks.
I won’t have to get on any stupid scale to determine the outcome or the success of that one, either.
- He will tell me what I need to know.
- It may not be pleasant. But it will be the real truth because it is HIS.
- And that can never be overrated.
My hope is in Him. Not for weight loss alone, not for healing alone from the Fibro beast of a whatever-thing-it is. But for every last bit of it.
He is my only Hope for anything.
Cause the truth – the real and honest truth of the matter is this: In sickness or in health, skinny or overweight, toddler-tantrum-throwing-like or baby-angelic-cooing child-like, I am His.
And that’s the only truth I should cling to at all anyway.
- His truth is beautiful.
- His truth is lasting.
- His truth brings true health.
- He loves me no matter what.
And although certain moments of truth smell ugly and can be overrated, His moments ~ HIS moments in which He comes closer and says “it’s okay, trust in me” ~ well, those always smell beautiful every single time I get a good whiff. Thanks be to God!
The scale will not deliver me from everything, friends. Only Jesus Christ can do that. I will keep on trying – because He tells me not to wallow in despair and to run a good race. But I will only look to Him as a measure of success. I will only look to Him for deliverance and sanctification. I will only look to Him for the real truth, even when it’s not pleasant.
Because it’s always freeing. He frees me.
Jesus’ truth is always going to set us FREE. Even if we are trapped inside of bodies that have turned against us, we know the reality.
So today, I will pull myself out of this pit and jump. Yes, I WILL jump – for the joy that I have in Jesus.
Even if I AM two pounds heavier.
Because in Him, I can.
And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32