I Have Been Immersed Today (And I Will Rejoice!)

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I have been immersed today.

I have been immersed in self-pity. I have been immersed in Jesus joy at the same time.

I have been immersed in pain – true and deeeeep-below-the-muscles-all-over-kind-of pain. I have simultaneously been immersed in an inexplicable Jesus-kind-of comfort.

I have been immersed today.

I cannot sleep, so I write. I write about my immersion.

Today I have sharp and vivid memories – fond ones of times when I given the ability to jog all the time. Running for miles and miles and sweating all the toxins out – ending with a rush of endorphins that lasted the whole day long.

Immersed in the beauty of that memory.

Pounding out the stress – the aches. Pounding it out through the pain. Painful at first – probably for the first mile or so.

And then came the bliss. I was immersed in the bliss then ~ consistently.

I have been immersed in the memories of that physical euphoria today.

I have been immersed in the longing for it – the pining away for it.

The flesh is strong. The desire to satisfy it is even stronger.

And the tears came. They came fast and hard. And they are still here right now as I write and share my heart a bit.

I am immersed in tears today.

Oh how I miss days in which experiencing some initial pain – intentionally-embraced pain – held what seemed like a beautiful pay-off that was beyond worth it after each of those long and so-very-satisfying runs.

How I miss being able to work hard enough physically that I would get on that good sweat and feel….cleansed.

Now my body has to work in overdrive just to make it through the day. The pain from my Fibro is so intense some days that the days in which I feel nothing more than a generalized tightness of muscles (ALL OVER, I might add) seem like “good days.”

Will I ever run again?

And so I walk with Him. I walk with my Jesus as I cry like a baby and wish for something more – something different. I struggle and strain not to fall into a place of condemnation for not being content on days such as today. I turn it over minute by minute to my Lord and Savior – begging Him for conviction to replace condemnation where needed, and comfort to replace my sense of discontent and sadness.

He is cleansing me.

I am immersed today. Because I am toxic.

I am immersed in the knowing of my Lord and Savior and the need to know Him even better.

I am immersed in waves of self-pity and despair laced with the knowledge that I am blessed beyond belief all at the same time.

I wallow, I bask. I beg, I accept. I scream. I pray.

I ask for more.

I thank Him for what I have.

And I end this day immersed in prayer – praying for a deeper knowledge of Him and who He is – and the ability to see the fruit that He is producing in my life.

And while I feel I am withering and rotting in so very many ways, I know the truth. And it sets me free.

I have been immersed today. I have been immersed in relationship with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. And I shall rejoice. Because HE is never going to be a fading memory I have to pine away for – He will always be with me. And it keeps getting better and better every day.

I think I’ll “run” with that one!

Though the fig tree may not blossom,

Nor fruit be on the vines….

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord,

I will joy in the God of my salvation.

The Lord God is my strength;

He will make my feet like deer’s feet,

And He will make me walk on my high hills.” Habakkuk 3:17-19

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Anew

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And the crushing of the heart – it is raw.

And the hurting of the feelings – they are fresh.

And the complaining and the mocking and the misunderstanding – all there…

Anew, anew, anew.

And the selfishness – replenished daily.

And the failure to understand – a formidable presence.

And the sneak attacks of the enemy – surprising.

Anew, anew, anew.

Relentless, pervasive, crushing, divisive.

Battling, raging, perplexing, isolating.

Ripping, smashing, slaying for whatever cause –

Anew, anew, anew.

And the blessings – they are awaiting.

And healing of the heart – is never-ending.

And the sanctification – His merciful cleansing.

Anew, anew, anew.

And the wisdom imparted through prayer.

And the peace – through self surrender.

And the love replacing the hatred.

Anew, anew, anew.

Perpetual, ever-present, molding, unifying.

Treaties, calming, understanding, risking.

Patching, rebuilding, healing for whatever cause –

His mercies and His love –

Anew, anew, anew.

It is of the Lord‘s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

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When it Storms in May (and You were expecting Sunshine)

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So much in life and how it goes for us seems to depend upon our expectations, and our willingness to be flexible in that arena. I live in Colorado, and the weather here is, to say the least……..unpredictable. (smirk upon my face)

Sometimes I have a pretty bad attitude about it too. Just ask my husband. I often say I would rather live in a warmer climate (year round), possibly near an open body of water (beach and sand), and where I can know what to expect (overall) on a day-to-day basis. A girl can dream, right?

But I know ~ the grass is always just seeming greener when I think that way. Dreams are just dreams, after all. (sad face)

In all honesty, I am quite blessed to live in Colorado when it comes to weather. Most of the time, we have more sunshine days than many other places when you spread it out over a year’s time. Most of the time.

But this May has really been ugly. I haven’t enjoyed it at all, especially with this Fibro body I am walking around in now. I thought it was going to get sunny and warm again. We were teased with that a little bit, and I was getting excited, you know? But alas ~ then came the gloom and hail and dark and rain and wind and….the stuff I hate.

So, the expectations must be adjusted once again. I didn’t do a good job of being proactive about it this time, and my attitude started to decline along with how my body feels. I forgot to look for the ray of sunshine amidst the gloomy and the cloudy.

It’s there. That ray of light is always there. I just wasn’t looking up.

There’s also a bigger picture at play here other than what month of the year it happens to be and aside from what the fickle weather is doing. It’s about all of life, friends.

For me, I had thought that I was going to be in a place in life right about now where I would still be enjoying the awesome ability to run and jog and get on a good sweat and have endorphins from doing so running through my body 24/7. That’s not been the case since I was struck down with Fibromyalgia.

At one time, I actually thought that once I reached this age, I would be sitting back and enjoying time with my Mother (and best friend) on the weekends – having coffee – because she had planned to move here so she could spend more time in a state that she loved. She went to heaven though – so that didn’t happen.

I also thought I’d be enjoying the role of coaching others in my work and possibly even taking that to a higher level than I had experienced a few years back – helping people find ways to tap into their strengths and enjoy their work even more. But I had to step out of a leadership role due to all the stress in my life.

But out of all of those things – those things that the world might portray as dreams lost – out of them all, the Lord has brought so many blessings my way. He is so very faithful. And He can make beauty (sunshine) out of the ugly (storms).

He is more powerful than lightning…

He can comfort us and protect us even when hail seems to be raining down, never-ending.

He can keep us warm and dry even when it is wet and soggy all around us.

We have only to adjust our expectations.

We have only to turn it over to Him and allow His will to be made manifest – even when it’s the unexpected stuff and we wonder what He might be doing.

JESUS ~ He knows this.

He shows us that it is not about our own will, but that of the Lord’s.

He shows us that each day is a day in which we don’t have to know what to expect because God’s got this.

He shows us that we can ALWAYS look up ~ look up to the One and Only ~ the only One who knows, never changes. The only One we can always rely upon without fail.

So if you find yourself feeling disappointed, let down, sad, or kind of stuck, it’s okay. Your expectations may need to be adjusted, or you may be going through a grief of dastardly proportions that has nothing to do with expectations at all.

Either way, God’s got you in the palm of His hand. And He will carry you as His will is brought to fruition.

You are not alone, dear friend. And even in the middle of the storm, He always has something good in store for us.

Bow your heads today with me, friends.

And when you are finished?

Don’t forget to look UP.

Whatever is good and perfect comes to us from God above, who created all heaven’s lights. Unlike them, He never changes or casts shifting shadows” (James 1:17).

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I Celebrate Mother’s Day Differently ~ Since Mama went to Heaven

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Every year, when Mother’s Day comes around I realize it: I celebrate Mother’s Day differently since Mama went to Heaven a few years ago.

Don’t get me wrong, friends. I miss my Mama dearly. But I am so happy, now that the shock of the initial grief has subsided a little.

Why? Because I know that I know that I KNOW where she is right now. And its a way cool place. She’s with the King of Kings!

Sometimes on Mother’s Day I feel a tinge of sadness or a remnant of that fresh kind of grief that strikes you in the first days and months following the passing of a deeply loved one. But although I cannot celebrate with Mama on Mother’s Day, I find that I celebrate her for who she was and still is in many ways that I couldn’t appreciate before she left this earth.

I celebrate who my Mama is every day ~ not only on Mother’s Day.

I celebrate who Mama was and is in Jesus.

I celebrate my Savior, who  has her firmly in His grip.

I celebrate the fact that He’s got me too!

Yes. I celebrate ~ differently.

I often find myself lost in thought as to what Mama might be doing with Jesus right now. It’s the coolest kind of imagining one can do. And, usually when I catch myself dreaming away about such things, I find I have a smile on my face. I feel like I am getting to be right there with them sometimes, and I often wonder if the Lord isn’t doing something mysterious in those moments.

It’s awesome.

I dream about it, friends. I find myself walking in a meadow to meet them ~ it feels like I’m walking on puffy clouds, but it’s actually beautiful green grass. Everything feels….lighter. All burdens are lifted. There’s a peace there that reaches a whole new level that I cannot explain with words.

I celebrate differently ~ and I would venture to say that I celebrate…..BETTER.

Because I cannot wait to see my Jesus face to face! And my Mama too.

I am excited for the day that I can see them and hug them and kiss them and wrap myself under their love again.

When it happens? I shall twirl. I shall dance. I shall sing and laugh and cry and love will pour out of me that I didn’t even know that I possessed.

And in the meantime? Well, that’s another part of the different kind of celebrating that I will continue to do. Love transcends earthly boundaries.

True love ~ like the kind that I receive from Jesus and from Mama? Well, all I can say is it’s cause for a daily celebration!

Jesus lives, my friends!!! He conquered death and He is KING! And because He lives, Mama does too. So do WE! Whoo Hoo!!!!!!!!!!!

What a GIFT of love, my friends. So much better than any Mother’s Day gift or any other gift I could ever give to another!

Just call me the party chick. ‘Cause I have a never-ending present to open, and each time it gets better and better!

If we follow after Christ and trust Him as our One and only Savior and King, we get the best present of all!

We get His presence in our presents.

Every single day.

I celebrate differently now. I celebrate Mother’s Day and Christmas and Easter and every day differently now.

I am grateful.

And it is…………GOOD!

Join in my celebration, friends. You are SO invited.

But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.1 Corinthians 15:57

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Utterance

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Sometimes I say the wrong thing. Maybe it’s not appropriate for the situation, not diplomatic enough, or it just plain comes out…..wrong. Anyway, I can definitely say that sometimes I have a big mouth and my foot fits right in there regardless of what kind of shoes I might be wearing that day. (And sometimes they stink)

But more of the time, I don’t say enough. I don’t take the opportunity to proclaim Jesus and His grace, His love, His understanding ~ boldly and with great joy. I let fear hold me back. Or selfishness, or worry, or concern about what others might think if I say something the wrong way or offend them.

I have found in life, dear friends ~ I have found that I usually regret the not saying more than the times I have said something the wrong way. I can apologize with great sincerity when I say the wrong thing. But a missed opportunity? Well, those are the times – those pockets of silence that I KNOW should have been filled – that I regret.

Do I wish to live with that? Not any more.

I pray for the Holy Spirit to nudge me (and pound me, even) when I am not sure what to say, but I know that I am supposed to open my mouth. I pray for the words – His words – to flow out freely. I pray for the obedience to stop over-thinking things and just let those words come out….the words that come straight from the heart and the Spirit of the Lord. And I pray for the wisdom to know the difference ~ the difference between my own well-intentioned words and those that He would wish for me to say.

Our words matter, friends. And not just how we say things, but all the things that we do not say.

Open your mouths and let your words be things that reflect all that Jesus Christ is.

Grace, Love, Salvation. So very much more.

It’s the good news that we simply cannot keep to ourselves.

We may be in chains in many other ways, but we can still speak powerfully for Christ Jesus. Because He lives.

And He has good news for us to share.

And for me, that utterance may be given to me, that I may open my mouth boldly to make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains; that in it I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak. Ephesians 6:19-20