When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him? Psalm 8:3-4
I am at a crucial stage right now, I think – in regard to how I perceive myself. For a while I was standing at the crossroad, but now I think that I have started down the path I am supposed to take. I think so, at least.
I don’t know this path well – I am a little fearful and trepidatious. But that’s because I am only human. I’m a small human with a big God in my life though, so I know it will be okay.
This path is vast. It’s a bit foggy and misty right now, and there are many trees along the dirt road. There are no other people walking it with me, although at times, I can see others out there in the distance. I can’t tell if they are on a different part of the path, yet far away, or if they are on a completely different one. But I know they are there.
So for the most part, I am alone on this part of my journey. But not really alone. God IS with me. And that’s part of why I’m here.
- He is teaching me that He is always with me, no matter what.
- He is teaching me that He is all I truly need.
- He is teaching me that even good things can be used by us to form our identity and sense of significance.
- He is teaching me and it doesn’t always feel good. But He is faithful and will NOT leave my side.
This long and winding, dirt-floored, tree filled, foggy and misty, not bright, but not totally dark path makes me feel tiny. I’m but a speck on the road. There are no signs, no landmarks, no hints whatsoever of where it leads or if there’s even a final earthly destination.
This path is all about the journey that God has set out before me. It’s about walking it with HIM.
I did see a flower on the side of the road the other day. One, lone, white flower growing up out of a log that I sat on for a bit of rest. I stayed for hours and gazed upon that beautiful thing. It smelled good and was a small, bright light in the middle of all the gray and mundane.
I believe it was a gift. But I also believe that God doesn’t want there to be too many distractions on this journey. I am meant to embrace what it is to be tiny. I am meant to feel alone, but know that I’m not. I am meant to venture into the unknown with the One who does know all. I am meant to learn about what it is to be small, but significant because of HIM.
Sometimes, I learn about how tiny I am because I can’t escape it – there’s a lot in my life to cause me to feel humiliation right now, if I allow that in. But then I remember not to stay in that place – because I can “boast in my weaknesses” with His permission – and His “power will then rest on me.”
It’s because of this that I have been given the gift of that in the face of my humiliation – HIS GRACE.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12: 9
I am also learning about how important it is to embrace how very small we are and how tiny this earthly life is by gazing upon His creation and our speck of a spot we take up in it. That kind of stuff really used to make me feel….insignificant. But I am learning now that it makes us see, all the more, the MIRACLE it is that HE created little ol’ us.
- My smallness and my speck of a life is a gift.
- I get to hide underneath His mighty arms.
- But He sees me and He LOVES me.
The more tiny I feel in the face of the big stuff all around me –
God’s creation ~ the mountains and the oceans and the stars and the heavens and the universe and then….just me.
A vast path in an unknown and sometimes scary wilderness, upon which there are few other people at all and I really am just a tiny little speck venturing into….I don’t know what.
A chronic disease that is SO BIG that it reminds me every single second of how very fragile my body (and even my mind) really is and threatens to smother my soul too and makes me feel at times like I’ve disappeared ~
All of that and more it has caused me to have nothing but one choice: Disappear completely, or embrace it and ask God if He has a purpose in all of it.
He has answered me, and I am so grateful. I found the answers in His word. I find out more about what the answer is meant to do in my earthly life as I walk with Him every day.
Me. The speck that seems insignificant, but isn’t – because of Him.
With Him. The Author of all Creation – and the One who is writing this story too.
I have found joy in the midst of the things that make me unhappy, and most of that is because instead of fighting against this disappearing act, I am actually finding out more about what it means to have almost my ENTIRE EXISTENCE be about my relationship with Jesus.
- No, I haven’t lost my family – thank you Lord!
- No, I haven’t lost my home – thank you Lord!
- No, I am not living in poverty – thank you Lord!
I haven’t lost it all. But I did have to give up SO VERY MUCH of what was still (even when I didn’t realize it) forming a lot of my “identity.”
- The dream job that I loved.
- Getting to be consistently involved in my church community (in person).
- Jogging, hiking, going to fun get-togethers.
- Shopping, doing lots of projects, being the life of the party.
- Feeling GOOD IN MY OWN SKIN consistently – most of the time!
- Having a sharp brain and a quick wit and never struggling to concentrate or focus.
- Having choices – about which paths to take.
Many of those things are not bad things, friends. It’s okay if you are in a season in which the Lord has blessed you with them, and as long as you aren’t letting them take His place, it’s okay to embrace them and be thankful for them.
But for me, He is teaching me something right now and had to remove some stuff to cause that to happen. I’m a stubborn girl and I play tricks on myself sometimes. God knows that about me. I don’t think that I was trying to sin by any stretch of the imagination in loving it when I had those things in my life. I just know that the Lord wants to help me understand something that we can only understand as He allows certain things to be stripped away and takes away the crutches and distractions.
I’ll tell you now – it’s hard to realize that you really ARE just a speck, at first. It’s hard to embrace your smallness. It’s difficult beyond belief to make peace with how very tiny you are in the big God picture of things. But once we get to where we start to feel a peace about it – once we find that there is SIGNIFICANCE in being one of God’s tiny specks, and that HE is the One who is BIG, it is so freeing.
Chains have been broken. I knew that before, but I didn’t know how to walk in it.
The battle has already been won, and God doesn’t need my help for that.
I am small, but the Lord still has plans for me. Even if no one ever sees them come to fruition but Him.
I still have so much to learn. As I said, I have only just fully realized what it’s like to move past just knowing what I know – that I am a small and tiny speck in the midst of God’s creation and the humiliating things in life that make us realize how small we are – to starting to LIVE it and walk it out with Him on the gray and vast path into the unknown.
But, He is with me. He is teaching me that my significance is not MINE. It is all about Him and how He loves me. It is all about the purpose HE has for ME to bring glory to HIM. It is about how He uses the smallest and most insignificant-seeming things to work out His will.
He doesn’t need me. But He still chooses me. I am a significant speck because Jesus truly loves me. He has numbered every hair on my head. (Luke 12:7) I matter to HIM.
I want for Him to matter to me more than I matter to myself. And that’s where I still have much to pray over and learn about.
- That’s why I’m on this path.
- That’s why God is teaching me about specks in the midst of His vast creation.
- That’s why I am so grateful today, because at least I’m starting to feel a peace about it.
The smaller I get and the more the world around me starts to disappear, including my own mind and body, the more magnified He becomes in my view. And that is worth seeing and experiencing, even when it’s painful.
Because He is beyond lovely. He is vast and large, but not too Big to come down and walk by my side.
He is the whole point of it all. He came down for us – the significant specks that He created.
“Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created.” Revelation 4:11