Ahhh. This morning I woke up to a raging headache. It wasn’t a surprise, as it had reminded me of its presence all night long as I woke up every hour upon the hour with reminders that it was there.
- Right there with me in bed.
- Right there with me upon waking.
- And right here with me apparently to take up residence in my body and stay for a while.
So I woke up and, of course, I found myself thinking back on the good old days – the days in which I would wake up feeling GREAT!
The days in which I would not, upon my first waking breath, feel pain and swelling throughout my entire body. The days in which I would jump out of bed, in a phenomenal mood, because all I had to do was look forward to what fun was ahead for my family and myself.
- Maybe some hiking today?
- Maybe a fun, long jog to get that awesome endorphin rush my body so loves?
- Maybe running around from place to place, touring shops and going to a movie and doing like, TEN things all in one day with reckless abandon?
The good old days?
Yes…I will admit there were good (GREAT) times when I didn’t have to pace myself from moment to moment lest I go into a full blown Fibro and autoimmune flare that puts me down for weeks to come.
There were beautiful and long seasons in my life in which I could bask in the abundance of great health and being beyond comfortable in my own skin.
I will admit it was nice to be able to just go along for the fun – whatever was suggested I had the choice to say “yes” if I wanted to – my body wasn’t going to dictate all that I could or could not do.
Yes…I have sweet memories and will admit that sometimes I find myself pining away for that feeling again – that body that is void of pain. That body that…if it DID have any remnant of discomfort running throughout it, I could actually pinpoint with magical accuracy EXACTLY what caused it and (wait for it) DO something about it and I would be in great shape the very next day.
But I also remember that back in those days, I may have had a wonderful situation physically, but I was in a daze of sorts.
Of sorts? No!
I was in a daze of all dazes!
- I wasn’t hyper aware of how good we really do have it because through any and every situation – good, or bad – we have Jesus to carry us through it all if we only trust Him as our Savior and know that HE. IS. GOD.
- I wasn’t focusing on how Great my Lord is, rather – what was next on the agenda of fun and fabulousness.
- I wasn’t living my life with God at the center, rather trying to find the next awesome thing to go out and do to add meaning, purpose, happiness to my life.
I had it all. And I wanted….MORE.
And these days? These days, (we know it’s true) I am also in a daze. But it is one that is not being brought about by all the clutter in my life, rather it is mostly from the brain fog that my physical condition brings about on a regular basis.
Yet in the midst of the current glazy and dazy and murky and mucky days of my life now, there is a clarity that never leaves me.
It is the clear message that Jesus Christ sends to me each and every moment of every day:
“I love you, dear Annie. You are MINE. I am never letting go. Focus on Me.“
What peace! What joy! What beauty that cuts right through any and every ugly that besets me!
How Great IS our God?!
I won’t pretend I am different than I was before in ways other than what I just mentioned in regard to all of this. I still find myself wanting more much of the time, it’s just being brought about for a different reason. It will always be a battle we find ourselves in until we go home to be with Jesus – the fight to have it “all” when in reality, if we have Jesus and rely fully upon Him, we already DO have all that we really need.
Yes – sadly, the battle continues.
I still pine away for a body that feels good so I can be that exuberant person that loves to be around lots of people and commotion and is always filled with energy to give, give, give toward others.
I still want.
I still just want.
But I know in my heart that I have it all in Jesus.
The flesh is strong and it fights us – it is a formidable enemy to our spiritual contentment. So are our hearts if we don’t turn them over to Jesus daily for cleansing.
But He has already won!!!!
Yes. I have resolved myself to the knowledge – the absolute and complete fact that I will probably always experience some kind of daze as I walk through these earthly days of my life.
But I will take these days now over the others if I have to choose.
I will take the brain fog daze over the fog that ensues when I don’t have any physical limitations holding me back from seeking to fill holes in my heart that are there when I am not looking upon Jesus over self. The daze that comes about from going, going, going…..from looking for the next thrill, or fun adventure to make me whole and “happy.”
For those who can do both things – fix their eyes upon Jesus and seek out adventure and fun without allowing those things to take His place, keep it up, because there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. (P.S. Can you tell me your secret sometime?)
But that’s not the way this girl went about things, friends.
Maybe some day I will be able to be healed physically, and out of this season in my life, I will have learned not to let the circumstances of my good health get in the way of relying upon and truly focusing upon Jesus.
Maybe it will never happen in this earthly life, either.
But guess what? I’m okay with that, friends.
Yes, I still find myself wanting it all – that want will probably never go away. But I can be okay with that because I know that He has allowed things to happen for His divine reasons.
How about you, dear friend? Is something in your current situation causing you to pine away for the good old days? Do you recall a better time physically, mentally, spiritually that you wish you could experience right here and now again? Why not take it to the feet of Jesus and ask Him to show you how He can make all things new in spite of what is old or cracked right now in your life? He can do it, you know. He can and will cut right through the haze and the daze. We have only to cry out to Him and trust in Him and His perfect timing.
- I recall the good old days with mixed emotions, it’s true.
- I reflect on the current days of my life with the same murky mixture of feelings as well.
- Sometimes I find myself riddled with fear that I will never be “the same again.”
But God. God then tells me I need not fear. He shows me the obvious that I was missing as I was getting lost in the fog of it all…
I don’t WANT to ever be the “same again.”
He makes all things new!
All in all, I have a joy that surpasses all of the mixed-up-stuff that puts me into a daze at times and tries to steal my focus.
In Him, as I gaze upon the face of my Jesus – I have clarity. So much more is revealed to me about Christ even in the midst of the daze that my physical condition brings about.
Cutting right through every last bit of it, is the peace of God.
Glory Be to God!
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27
Great stuff, sis – and by the way, I think Jimbo quoted John 14:27 often – at least I seem to recall him doing that.
Your reflections always lead to Christ, Annie. Praying for more of Jesus, healing and wholeness, and less pain.