I used to be a fighter ~ a driven, serious fighter. If I wanted something or had a goal, anything that stood in my way would eventually be “removed.”
Let me actually expand upon and clarify that statement I just made: I am a peacemaker. I am an “unhealthy conflict” avoider. BUT…if pushed too far, there’s this part of me that awakens- a part that lives deep, (deeeep) down inside – and that part is a force with which to be reckoned if it is awakened from its comfortable slumber.
It’s what I like to call the fighting force ~ and it doesn’t wake up nicely sometimes.
I’d like to introduce you to the warrior that lives inside of Annie.
This is the part of me that comes out once I have been pushed and pushed and beaten and beaten for far too long.
Annie’s inner warrior.
Sometimes it comes out the wrong way or gets up on the wrong side of the bed – just ask my husband (hee hee). I have had to (and continue to have to) ask the Lord to tame the warrior at times. Usually this happens when it is my old inner warrior friend ~ the one that relies upon its own strength and might. During these times, just like any other, I have to ask God to cut away the parts of self that have crept inside and messed with the warrior’s head a little.
Other times, if I am prayerful as she is emerging, (and also after she has come out to play) then she is nothing that is dangerous to my walk with the Lord ~ she is but a part of who God made me to be. That is the part that is strong, but not tainted with self, powerful, but laced with His divine power and inspiration – mighty and focused, because she know that she has already won.
This warrior sometimes looks worse for the wear, but make no mistake about it; she remains undefeated.
Because of God.
I fight in other ways all the time – ways that I like to call amicable sparring matches:
- Fighting by putting my fists down when all I want to do is raise them up but I know that the time is not right for that yet.
- Waging daily war by taking punches while knowing the truth inside is that the only thing I am surrendering to in reality is the Lord (even if it looks from the outside like I am being a total victim or doormat).
- Giving up on something that I want in order to spend time waiting upon the Lord and prayerfully considering if He wants me to fight in open and tangible ways OR be quiet and still and carry out my war against the flesh in more of a meek manner while He prepares the way.
But there comes a time where you know the Lord is calling you to action- waiting was an action He had you take as well at one time- but that time is nearing its end.
And you know it.
Now it’s time to get up – No more staying down gently.
Yes. There comes a time where surrender crosses over into giving up – and then, it’s anything but true surrender – the kind that God would have us do. Then laziness seeps in. So does self.
I’ve realized for quite some time that I have been teetering on that fateful line – the line between surrender and full-blown resignation and giving up. I hate tightrope walking just as much as I hate roller coasters. Have I toldja that yet? ‘Tis the truth.
So today I woke up and realized something has clicked. Something clicked so loud down in my bones (I guess literally and figuratively today, dear friends) that it woke someone up.
That someone is filled with a major dose of healthy anger at the Fibro Monster that is living inside of me.
- Healthy because it is being guided in the right way – it is going to be used as a motivational force – and it will become the most formidible enemy that my fibromyalgia has ever encountered. God’s hand is guiding me and literally pulling Annie’s inner warrior out of hibernation.
- Healthy because it is well-rested, energized, and more than ready to roll (not with the punches, by the way – but I guess we shall see).
Today I declare utter and complete war. And I know that I know that I know that God has given me His blessing.
Guess what else? He is on my side!
Diplomacy is out the window – I tried and it failed. I am a gifted diplomat, dear friends, but the Fibro Beast is not reasonable.
No. With the Fibro, it is now time to fight or die.
When it comes to this beast, chances of taming it are akin to the chances of a million snowballs creating an eternal colony in hell.
- There is no taming to be done.
- There is no more talking and compromising to attempt.
And I have known this for a few months now. Problem is, that I laid down and just took punch after punch upon realizing it. Maybe I was supposed to though.
The great news is that in spite of not moving into action for a few months after knowing that this season of rest is over, I am stronger now. I am wiser now. And yes, there’s a bit of anger in there too.
And righteous anger is stronger than Fibro is.
GOD is stronger than Fibro is!
I’m not going to go down without a fight.
I am ready.
I got on the elliptical and treadmill today friends and punched the picture I have of the Fibro beast in front of me the whole time. I prayed that the Lord would equip me with a spirit of perseverance like I have never seen before. I prayed that the Lord would fight this battle with and for me through my inner warrior. The one that He created to live inside of me for such times as these. The one that I have asked that He fill with His Spirit, His wisdom, His love and His truth.
So the battle is changing now – the wind has turned. It has begun.
Fibro? I have news for you:
My name is Annie Birkelo, Child of God and Daughter of the One True King.
You tried to kill my inner warrior. You tried to steal my peace.
Prepare to die.
Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary. Isaiah 40:31