I don’t remember much from my early years. You know? I’m talking about when you are a very small child. But one thing I remember, and I recall it so vividly, is the way it felt when my mama was holding me.
I can remember one of the things that really comforted me was having my ear to her heart. I can still bring back that feeling – it’s some kind of sensory thing – not just a memory in the mind that is faint and fading as the years pass.
Sensory thing? Yes. I can remember that I liked to lay my ear flat upon her chest – right where her heart was. I liked the feel of the warmth there. I liked the sound of her heart beating. I liked the smell of her and the touch. There was a rhythm to it all that resonated for me in a way very little else ever has. It was methodical, yet loving and comforting in so many ways.
How I miss my mama’s heart. How I miss her arms and her reassurance. How I miss her friendship, her leadership, and her joy. How I miss her unconditional and generous love!
Oh, how I miss my dear mama.
After mama left to go live with Jesus in heaven almost four years ago, my heart felt so very broken. It still does sometimes. There are days where it seems that nothing can fix that. I can remember seeking God and His comfort during the time mama was in hospice and my brothers and I were watching her slip away more and more every day. This lasted for weeks, and it was definitely the worst ride I have ever been on in life.
What would I do without my mama’s chest to lay upon any more? Where’s that unconditional love and support going to come from now? Who in the world could or would ever love me like mama did? Mama gets ripped off and so do I!
Oh, poor ME.
But the truth is, friends, no one got ripped off. It sucks, sure. If I could have mama and her awesome heart back here with me physically right now, well, selfish me would take it in a heartbeat! Yet, I am so grateful that the Lord continues to bring me back around when I begin to think this way.
It’s not only about you, dear one. I know you are hurting about mama, but she is mine – she is my child, just as you are. She always was. It was time for her to come home. I can and I will fill that space if you continue to allow me to do so. And you will see her again. You will. But you must trust me and focus upon all that you had with her and all that will be. Be happy for your mama, dear one.
I know deep down where mama is right now. And where she’s at, there is no pain, no broken hearts, and the comfort, love, joy and peace that she gets to experience on every level right now is something I know to be true in my soul.
Yes, I still hear that sound of my mama’s heartbeat when I recall those early days of laying upon her chest. I still hear the things she shared with my brothers and myself as she was preparing to meet her Lord and Savior.
I still hear her heart.
I haven’t forgotten the sound. I haven’t forgotten the warmth. I haven’t forgotten the feel of it all. But I don’t need the sensory experience anymore, although I miss it sometimes. Jesus has filled that need beyond what I ever thought possible.
Oh, I do miss her laugh. I miss being able to call her every day. I miss having my mama here physically with me. But God mends broken hearts in divine ways that no bandaid could ever do. Sometimes I need to lay on His chest differently than I am accustomed to in order to receive His healing, but He is always there for me. Always waiting. Patiently.
His ways are truly higher than any awesome experience, sensory or not, that we can have in this life. When we are in true relationship with God, there is no such thing as being an orphan.
I can’t wait until I get to go to heaven to see my Savior. But I am so thankful today that I can hear his heart, as well as my mama’s. I appreciate that the Lord hasn’t needed to cause that beautiful memory to fade in order to help me rely upon Him more than I did my mama.
He sees me through. He renews me. He and the vivid memories of my mama inspire, encourage, and convict me. I hope they hear my heart right now.
Do you miss someone terribly today? Does your heart feel like it is broken into millions of little tiny pieces, never to be recovered again? Seek Jesus in your grief, dear friends. Surrender all of the pieces to Him and trust Him to help you to heal.
KNOW that…..He. Is. God.
He too, hears our hearts. We just have to press our ears into His Mighty and Magnificent chest!
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26