I have been immersed today.
I have been immersed in self-pity. I have been immersed in Jesus joy at the same time.
I have been immersed in pain – true and deeeeep-below-the-muscles-all-over-kind-of pain. I have simultaneously been immersed in an inexplicable Jesus-kind-of comfort.
I have been immersed today.
I cannot sleep, so I write. I write about my immersion.
Today I have sharp and vivid memories – fond ones of times when I given the ability to jog all the time. Running for miles and miles and sweating all the toxins out – ending with a rush of endorphins that lasted the whole day long.
Immersed in the beauty of that memory.
Pounding out the stress – the aches. Pounding it out through the pain. Painful at first – probably for the first mile or so.
And then came the bliss. I was immersed in the bliss then ~ consistently.
I have been immersed in the memories of that physical euphoria today.
I have been immersed in the longing for it – the pining away for it.
The flesh is strong. The desire to satisfy it is even stronger.
And the tears came. They came fast and hard. And they are still here right now as I write and share my heart a bit.
I am immersed in tears today.
Oh how I miss days in which experiencing some initial pain – intentionally-embraced pain – held what seemed like a beautiful pay-off that was beyond worth it after each of those long and so-very-satisfying runs.
How I miss being able to work hard enough physically that I would get on that good sweat and feel….cleansed.
Now my body has to work in overdrive just to make it through the day. The pain from my Fibro is so intense some days that the days in which I feel nothing more than a generalized tightness of muscles (ALL OVER, I might add) seem like “good days.”
Will I ever run again?
And so I walk with Him. I walk with my Jesus as I cry like a baby and wish for something more – something different. I struggle and strain not to fall into a place of condemnation for not being content on days such as today. I turn it over minute by minute to my Lord and Savior – begging Him for conviction to replace condemnation where needed, and comfort to replace my sense of discontent and sadness.
He is cleansing me.
I am immersed today. Because I am toxic.
I am immersed in the knowing of my Lord and Savior and the need to know Him even better.
I am immersed in waves of self-pity and despair laced with the knowledge that I am blessed beyond belief all at the same time.
I wallow, I bask. I beg, I accept. I scream. I pray.
I ask for more.
I thank Him for what I have.
And I end this day immersed in prayer – praying for a deeper knowledge of Him and who He is – and the ability to see the fruit that He is producing in my life.
And while I feel I am withering and rotting in so very many ways, I know the truth. And it sets me free.
I have been immersed today. I have been immersed in relationship with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. And I shall rejoice. Because HE is never going to be a fading memory I have to pine away for – He will always be with me. And it keeps getting better and better every day.
I think I’ll “run” with that one!
Though the fig tree may not blossom,
Nor fruit be on the vines….
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will joy in the God of my salvation.
The Lord God is my strength;
He will make my feet like deer’s feet,
And He will make me walk on my high hills.” Habakkuk 3:17-19
Annie, this inspired me in ways I find it hard to express. I remember when my wife and I walked through a pregnancy and labor that resulted in the still-birth of our son Andrew. That pain & grief with a pay off holding the lifeless body of our little boy was unbearable. We were immersed in so many emotions over the next year. I think it was the knowledge that our pain was supposed to result in a joyful future, but instead it resulted loss. Iof course that was a future that we were not promised would be joyful, but that was what we imagined.
Anyway, i continually pray for you.