I long ~ I look back ~ and I find myself cherry picking the good stuff in my memory banks as to how I used to be. The vitality. The health. The energy and the abundant good moods.
I find myself in want this morning ~ I find myself coveting the good parts of things I used to have.
I remember: I remember the good stuff and how great it was.
And I selectively forget: I forget about the bad stuff that was glued right by the side of the good for a very long time.
It was a whole package. I can’t forget that I am compartmentalizing in a crazy way when I do this. I thank Jesus for intervening in my twisted mind this morning.
Because, you see ~ that’s when my heart and mind begins to slip ~ it begins to forget that life doesn’t work that way. That we get the whole of the picture, not just the bits and pieces. That there was bad that I never want to go back to, along with the good stuff that I am missing right now.
Back in the day, I was high energy, of good health, and never skipped a beat mentally. I had a fast and efficient brain, a vibrant and explosive body full of endless energy, and was a high achiever and a striver (and obtainer) in most all that I put myself into at any given point. I was in a good mood a lot. My body did not hurt. I was moving like lightning and it felt good.
I miss those things today. Today I am not there. Today, I am literally sick, and have been for over a week now. I can hardly swallow. My whole body aches. I have almost NO energy. And I am getting ready to go off to work and barely move through the motions of the day.
Today, I am not only ill, but today, I have seen clearly that I have taken several LEAPS back in regard to my overall health and the progress I was making with regard to this Fibro Monster.
Backwards. It stinks.
It breeds fear. Anxiety threatens. “Lord, I don’t want to go back to that place.”
So I went to the over-compartmentalized place. Again. So I went into the coveteous heart and mind place. Again.
I told you I play with the matches in my brain. Remember?
And now ~ this morning, I realize I am doing the same thing in reverse here. I am picking out the bad stuff that I don’t want to repeat, but failing to set my eyes upon the good stuff I have learned through that ugly of the Fibro sickness.
Annie. Are you listening? It doesn’t work that way!
God doesn’t work that way.
So I submit.
I submit to the sickness and illness of today and what God is going to do with that.
I submit to the fact that in the old days, I may have been healthy-seeming of body and of mind, but I was not ~ not spiritually at ALL, and that is what matters.
I submit to the LORD and what HE is doing through this illness, rather than TO the illness itself.
Reluctantly, I must admit, but I will submit.
I’m reluctant because the flesh is strong, friends. Do you find that hard too? I drag my feet because I keep on thinking that if I fight, fight, fight, I may be able to beat this. But that is not true. I can’t beat this thing.
I’m a kicking, screaming, tantrum-throwing child, but I am His child.
HIS child! And I submit.
Do you have something you are over-compartmentalizing and coveting and cherry-picking over that you find yourself pining away about today? Something you have never had, but think that you want, or something that you had before? Zoom out for a minute with Jesus, friend. Look at the whole picture of where you are now, not just at the lack of things if you are struggling with health, heartache, or some type of suffering today.
Zoom out, and submit to His will.
Remember the whole of the past. Love the parts that were good, but look forward with me to the future and the hope we have in Jesus.
He will do great and wonderful things through us even when our flesh doesn’t seem to feel the rewards of that just yet.
He is our Mighty Savior ~ our Great Physician! He is about His Father’s business and that includes inside of each and every one of our lives.
Through the good stuff and through the suffering.
Through the parts that don’t feel great, and the parts that make us jump with joy.
I am grateful.
I am His.
He will figure out what to do with ALL the bits and pieces.
So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith. Galatians 3:26
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. James 4:7
It’s a struggle and you have to fight this with strong prayer, exercise, food, medicine, sleep, etc. This winter time can be very painful and I understand that isn’t as easy for you to walk with a such encroaching painful disease that is taking over you. Don’t let this rule your life, find ways and learn more about your body, when it triggers and how can you go about it. We can’t just sit there and take this painful hit from satan. You have to fight for it, somehow find a way to deal with this more proactive way :). I will be praying and hopefully I will have an article written about it after the finals ends and I will email it to you :).