Hello. My name is Annie and I’m a problem-solva-holic, a control freak, a mind-spinning crazy person, and a child of God. (but it only seems like it belongs in that order!)
Some of you may know me, while there are others who think I’m something I’m not. I’m here to clear that up for you today ~ just in case.
Let me start by telling you what I am NOT:
- I am not the girl who is adept at casting all her anxieties away and turning them over to God before I’ve toyed with them a while. That stinks. That needs work. And I do know this ~ oh, how I know this!
- I am not the girl who knows how to do all the things the Bible says we are wise to do. Actually, I either don’t know how, or sometimes, sin gets in the way ~ but nonetheless, I don’t always do the best thing. That’s why on my blog, what you read will usually be what I find that the Lord is preaching to ME ~ teaching to ME ~ trying to get through to ME. Maybe sometimes it applies to you too? When that happens, I feel blessed, because God uses my “issues” to help others, and that is COOL.
- I’m not that woman who has figured out how to cut through the flesh and go straight to what she knows is the truth and stop messing with all the junk that needs to be immediately discarded. Sometimes I play with fire. There are lots of little matches in my mind and sometimes in my heart that beg to be lit all the time.
- I’m not a lotta things, friends. And I’m fully aware of it.
So yes. I’d like to introduce myself today. I’d like to make sure you know the picture is not always very pretty. I won’t introduce you to the very best version of Annie. I refuse to do it.
Why? Do you think I want to walk in condemnation? I’ll admit, that’s another “problem” I have. Sometimes while confronting myself, which I must do daily, it crosses that line. But in the bigger picture of things, the Lord always pulls me back from that bonfire I am starting to step into just in time. So yes…sometimes I allow condemnation to play too long before I realize what is happening. I’m just not that smart.
But God is.
What is the main reason I believe in daily self-confrontation? Why is it so important to embrace our ugly to see the beauty He has in store for us?
Because it truly shows me over and over again (which I clearly need) that Jesus loves me as I am ~ still a sinner in need of her Savior. So I feel it’s only right to show you the whole of me.
Here’s a snippet of some of that stuff. (You’ll never see all that Jesus gets to see. But it’s not because I don’t want to try to show you. I think it’s just impossible for me to share the depths of the ugly parts without making you want to run, scream, curl up into a fetal position, never-to-return again. And that wouldn’t be a good thing. Just NOT good.)
Let’s look at some of the ugly, shall we?
- As I said, I’m a problem-solva-holic. (That means I have control issues, yo)
- I’m a worry wart sometimes. Hmmm. Kinda ties into the control freak thing. Well….a LOT. Hence, the many blog posts and scriptures that speak to us about surrender, anxiety, depression, and grief.
- I’m co-dependent and “own” other people’s feelings a lot. I feel sometimes like SpongeBob, but without the happy and gleeful disposition. I absorb all the junk that is around me even when it’s not for me to do. I collect emotions, friends.
- I work hard to protect myself from conflict which makes my health issues worse and my emotional state unbalanced. This gets in the way of me being truly servant-oriented, fully transparent, and putting others first. I don’t like screaming, fighting and bickering. At ALL. Cause of the spongy thing. It hurts. I don’t like pain.
- I am driven by a need to be understood, and am constantly reminded to a level of what I would call c-r-a-z-y, that only the Lord will fully understand me. Feeling understood is what makes me feel loved. I don’t feel this very often. Then I feel sorry for myself. Then I am reminded that I AM loved. I am reminded that if this need was filled by others, that maybe I would forget about God.
- I am selfish – a lot.
I could go on and on, but you get the picture.
But I am also these things: And I am trying to learn how to celebrate them.
- I am the daughter of the One, True King. He loves me, warts and all. I still can’t fully grasp that, but I’m trying.
- I want to love Jesus with ALL my heart, ALL my mind, ALL my soul. I ask Him every day to empower me to love the way He does. Because I fail at this.
- I have been gifted by Christ in ways that dumbfound me daily. That’s not of my doing, so it doesn’t count as bragging. It puts me in a place of being in awe of HIM, and what He does through little old me, not in a place of pride about myself. He allows me to use those gifts every single day.
- The Lord has lent me a husband and three beautiful children to live with, love, and do this life with. That’s a gift all of it’s own.
- I have been given the gift I prayed over for about forty years ~ the ability to use my love of writing to talk about Jesus, share Jesus, and touch others who seek Him. There was a time when I thought I could not write if it was about God. I never thought it would ever happen. Now, I rarely write anything that is NOT about the Lord.
You see, I am learning more and more every day about who I am in Christ. Part of that is realizing which parts of me are not of Him. Which parts of me are flesh, or stuff that needs to be discarded. Which parts of me need to leave and make room for more of Him? I can assure you, as much purging as I have already done with the Lord, there is still plenty of stuff left in there that needs to leave.
I am beyond thankful for the fact that although I know there’s enough junk in there to last an eternity, it won’t have to. I have the greatest gift of all, friends. I am assured of the fact that I will one day start my real life (the eternal one) where the junk is just GONE.
What a relief that will be!
But in the meantime ~ well, the junk is here. It is going to be here for me to deal with daily with the Lord. Dying to self is a daily process. It can wear us out at times. That’s when we have to remind ourselves that that tired, weary, downtrodden feeling is a very strong indicator ~ a RED light, if you will, that we are trying to do something in our own power. We are wrestling. We are struggling. We are being problem-solva-holics.
Do you have troubles that you need to surrender today? Do you have ugly that is threatening to block you from seeing the beauty in who you are? Do you, like me, find yourself hypnotized by the bonfire just up ahead and all it’s pretty little flickering lights?
If so, dear friend….allow me to introduce the One who you really should get to know today:
His name is Jesus.
Door of the Sheep….
The Great I AM.
Light of the World…
Lord GOD ALMIGHTY!
Knowing HIM is far more important than knowing ourselves! Allow Him and His grace to draw you closer to Him each and every day. He will take the junk out. He will pull you back from the fire. He will fill you with less of you, more of Him.
Then ~ when you introduce yourself, you can do it in the right order!
But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity. Amen. 2 Peter 3:18
Hello. My name is Annie. And I am a Child of God. Praise be to HIM!
You are absolutely beautiful in this. This was by far one of my favorite things I have read from your hand and heart. Love it, and I loved ‘meeting’ you in this. Praying for you today.
In Him with you!
You are a perfect child of God. As a parent loves their child, you are loved unconditionally by your Father in Heaven. I am blessed to call you my friend.
Anne! I liked about what you just shared in a way talking about the Spongebob, ha-ha!. I like the analogy and metaphor.
“I’m co-dependent and “own” other people’s feelings a lot. I feel sometimes like SpongeBob, but without the happy and gleeful disposition. I absorb all the junk that is around me even when it’s not for me to do. I collect emotions, friends.”
Dear Anne! You are such an amazing mother, daughter of god, and you are so personal with your thoughts as well. I like reading it :), and it really encourages me to get motivated this 11 pm cold night, reading it at the Watson library with your distant discipleship needing for someone like me with all your love for Christ :). Even in the midst of bad past you had of loosing a wonderful parent 😦 😦 (you sacrificed all your love and life to Christ and that turned you today into a beautiful mother from the inside and out, you have reflected the same loving encouragement to your husband and children(balloon 😉 🙂 ) as well :), whereas me being abandoned by them when I was in the middle school and it was just painful to go through a tough childhood (experienced child abuse etc), which is almost as if like someone is dead from your soul. It’s not done yet, but still in this life we meet evil and bad peeps who impacts us several ways. Wow! I wonder and think that it isn’t the place that makes it a difference, but the living community and the society which impacts us a whole.
Tonight, to be honest! Even though I had a bad day, tonight you really encouraged me with your thoughts :).
Please don’t stop writing, every time I see your blog with new updates and somehow I feel so blessed to be plugged in and being reminded about the Christ daily :). You are such a driving force and even after 40 years you are still rock chalking it Annie 😉 :)(Wow!). I haven’t walked that many miles yet, but I wonder what it will look like when I will hit that age ? I am so grateful and blessed that I got to know Christ before hand through comic book when I was in 2nd grade( I never thought that I will end up knowing him even more when I grew up older through by believers, and its so blessing that I don’t have to worry what age I end up living, but I will keep loving him with full of passion and zeal :).
Btw I like the new snow flaky thing in your new post. Did you just recently started programming Annie ? 😉 :), tehe( Just kidding ), haha :). I like it and looks happy to me while reading it, as the christmas is coming up pretty soon.