Do you pray that the Lord would help you to be able to place Him first in your life? Do you find yourself crying out to Him ~ “Lord, help me do what I am supposed to do without sacrificing my relationship with You.”
God first. Yes…God first.
How do we move through the day and take care of all our responsibilities without sacrificing our focus on that gift of a relationship? How do we go from place to place and task to task without taking our eyes off Him?
I find this more and more difficult with each passing day, friends. And I am more committed to God first than I have ever been before. Some of that may simply be spiritual warfare ~ the enemy is not too hip on me placing the Lord in the Number One spot in my life. I’m aware of that and I pray accordingly.
But that’s not all of it.
For about two years now, I can’t get away from this nagging inside. It’s something I find difficult to articulate, but I assure you it’s very real. I am only recently truly starting to believe it is God’s voice and not my own. It’s about whether or not I should continue to work outside of the home. I keep thinking it’s because I am meant to eventually do something else, take care of my health, my family, and my home. But I think the overarching reason is that He wants to free up space.
I had to test it out, you see. I had to be sure it wasn’t just me talking.
All logic in regard to this situation flies right out the window when I look it bold in the face. God has actually used my decline in health, I believe, to tell me it’s really Him talking. He is knocking, and has been for a while. It is beginning to sound like pounding.
I even stepped out and quit my awesome job over a year ago. I went where I felt He was leading me. Each place I went was “not right.” Then, I came back full circle and was led by Him right back to my old job, but with a better schedule ~ working days instead of nights. What a blessing!
But I am getting sick again. I don’t blame that on my job, rather, my working outside the home is making the health issues worse than they would be if I could stay home for a while. Is the Lord trying to make a good out of the “bad” of my health issues? Is He trying to use this to get me to do what He possibly wanted me to do all along: Quit and DO NOT go out and get another job right away. Quit working outside the home and (ready for it?) Wait.
I am torn – I literally feel the sickness from the tearing in the pit of my stomach. I don’t know what God has in store, but something’s about to change radically in my life. I can feel it.
I know that God is paving the way for what is going to be happening. I can see signs of things being set up and laid out perfectly for me, although the unknown of just how extreme it will be is still there. I have to keep myself in check by laying the fear that tries to take root inside of me right in His lap on a moment-by-moment and daily basis. That’s probably where the sick pit comes from – sometimes I am busy at work or somewhere else and can’t seem to fully turn it over to Him until I catch a break.
There’s a change happening for me at my work soon that may mean I can cut my hours down even further. This may be all that is needed, and what He has had me waiting upon, but it may not cut it. It may be that I have to completely stop working. Part of me just wants to cut to the chase and hang it all up right now.
If I were to go where the peace seems to be in regard to this situation, maybe it would be better to do so. Just stop. Stop working outside the home and trust Him that He will lead me to what I should do at home. Whether that means finding a part time job I can do from here or not work at all, I don’t know.
I just feel I am toying with this whole thing and have been for some time. Do you ever feel that way? Like you don’t trust that inner voice because you need time to sort – test – make sure it’s not your own voice or some temptation that’s pulling at you? That you need time to put it to prayer and make sure that before you act, you are within His will, not your own?
I share only the very top layer of this with you today, as I don’t want to go off on multiple tangents. But know that this is deeply layered ~ so many things (too many to count) are screaming that I need to do something differently regarding this whole thing.
I have been trying. I have been praying. I have been flexible and willing to try things out. But the nagging is still there.
Is it this?
No…that’s not it – you haven’t gone all the way with this, Anne. I want you to COMPLETELY stop. I want you to COMPLETELY trust me. I want you to COMPLETELY understand and have faith and believe and give it ALL UP and trust that I have a reason. I have a plan. You won’t know what it is until you give it all up. You will have to Wait even then before it is revealed to you. But you must step first.
Or is it this?
Have faith and hang in there. You can do this – not in your own strength, but in Mine. I have gifted you with this wonderful job and if you persevere, I have plans for you. Plans that will balance out your need to focus on your health and your family and your home and finances. You need to trust me. You need to hang in there. I have a plan. Just wait for it.
Friends, I don’t know which one it is. But I do know this ~ God has a plan. I also know this: I hate waiting. I’m an action kinda girl. I’m also an impatient kinda girl. I just want to do what is right in the eyes of the Lord. Yet I don’t want to let my family down. Such a dumb thing to get so worked up about too! (See how the enemy gets to me?)
But I would covet your prayers. I wish to be obedient, but to the right voice….HIS.
If you are struggling today with something similar, do you know that He does have a plan? Do you trust that He will make it clear which way you need to go, even if the logistics of the decision you must make aren’t laid out “clearly” by human standards, defy logic, are risky, and contain much of what seems to be unknown?
Do you struggle with risk or movement, or do you struggle with being impulsive and impatient?
Are you pressing in and asking Him to make you willing? Do you trust in Him that He will make His will known to you? Do you believe He will be there in the waiting, whichever form it takes?
He will, you know. In the middle of the twisting and the angst, He offers peace to carry us through. He is our foundation. He will knock and even pound to break through the crazy that tries to block our hearing, our sight. He will be with us in the empty spaces of the waiting and fill them up.
He will free up that space ~ the one that is deep, deep down underneath all the layers. He will free it up and we have only to listen. Listen intently until we hear.
And once we do hear? We must move.
He’ll help us know where to walk.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3: 5-6