My brain left the building a couple of years ago, friends. And now? The building has since blown up.
I don’t really know what I mean by that statement – it just keeps popping into my head lately (what’s left of it).
I think it means something like this:
Since the brain fog ensued from the double whammy of menopause AND Fibromyalgia, this crazy one has been trying to get her brain back. I have recuperated some of my brain capacity as I have been working on my health. Yes, SOME of the brain fog has lifted.
But just like with anything else that is lost, as we search to find it again, we sometimes find that we will never get it back quite the same way that it used to be. There’s a grief process involved in that. For me though, the outcome of that mourning has been positive.
In this, has been yet another journey peppered with lesson after lesson in my DEEPLY ingrained need to surrender control. My relentless need to find the line between surrender and acceptance has been etched in front of my face throughout the entire process. My deep-seated need to lean in on my Savior and let Him decide just how much clarity and focus and brain power I will have for the rest of my time here on this earth has been beyond clear.
That is hard. It is hard to face the clear and obvious fact that you are a stubborn control freak who struggles with surrendering everything over to her Savior.
It’s particularly hard in this situation because I still have a keen memory of how my brain used to function. Much of my other memory capacity has diminished, but not that. My brain? It was a great helper to me for decades. At the same time, I realize that it probably hindered me as well.
I had a GREAT brain, friends.
- It was quick.
- It was filled with so many great ideas that I couldn’t crank them out fast enough.
- It processed, collated, assimilated faster than anything I could even imagine right about now.
- I was born with it: And yes….because it was my “normal” I took it for granted.
But I also let it rule and reign in my life.
So, as I said, it hindered me in some ways too. I relied upon my quick brain so much that it fed my control issues. Big time.
I could handle it all – so I thought. Actually, I was able to do quite a bit when my brain was functioning optimally. I could take it all on and get it all done. Sometimes I’d go into overload, but I could still do it all.
AND I (and my big brain).
I kept finding myself trying to get my brain back over the past couple of years – struggling and straining – taking one step forward and three back – over and over again. I wouldn’t allow myself to enter into the acceptance part of the grief process. I kept fighting.
My brain had left the building. I had been operating under the assumption that all I had to do was get it back inside again.
Then one day recently I realized: I’m spinning what wheels I have left. The building has since blown up.
I have stepped outside along with my brain now and am trying to find out how to live with it. A new place. An unknown environment. Me and what’s left of my brain.
But guess what? Someone else lives there too. I can see Him more clearly now. In the midst of all else that is murky and foggy – He shines through all the more. It’s my Jesus.
- He is guiding me more now – not my puny little brain.
- He is shedding light in the darkness – not the clarity of my thought processes or my ability to assimilate and rapid fire all of my thoughts and human conclusions.
- He is doing it for me ~ lighting the way.
- And all I have to do is surrender ~ brain and all.
Yes, sometimes I find myself missing my big brain in the face of how wimpy it is these days. Those are the days in which I realize, if I slow down and breathe for a moment ~ I am looking for the wrong things to rely upon. Those are the days in which I am lovingly reminded that nothing in this world is more efficient, more right, more wise, more helpful, more loving, and more TRUE ~ than Jesus Christ, our Lord.
The building has blown up. It is gone forevermore. But this girl today ~ today, this girl ~ is so grateful for fresh air.
I can breathe again, friends. I have an Almighty and All-Powerful Savior walking me through grace after grace, mercy upon mercy, truth after truth, ALL mingled with His unmistakable and divine love, on a daily (sometimes moment-to-moment) basis. Only Jesus could do that.
What have you lost that you miss sometimes, friends? Do you miss an aspect of physical or mental vitality that you once had? Do you pine away for it and feel as though some aspect of your life has been crippled? You need search no longer. Jesus can change that story for you. We can stop searching fervently for that which is fleeting and turn our eyes toward the ONE thing that actually matters! He holds our individual journeys right in the palm of His hand anyway.
He is the Author and the Finisher of IT ALL.
We are human, and as humans walking in flesh, it is natural we should miss such things when we lose them. But oh – how GREAT IS OUR GOD! In what we lose here, we find so much more in Him.
- He makes all things new.
- He makes everything better.
- He truly works all things together for our good.
- And yes….His power is made PERFECT in our weakness.
Won’t you turn it over to Him along with me today, friend? Let’s meet Jesus outside of the building that tries to pretend to offer us comfort and security. Let’s run to Him and frolick in the fresh air of who HE is! Breathe Him in….be fed by Him….revel in Him….and bring Him glory and honor, love and truth, child-like faith and friendship and worship. AMEN.
I must be honest ~ I often do miss my big brain. But I am still thankful. I am no longer trapped into thinking I can rely upon it. I can still run – straight into my Savior’s arms. I can still see – looking to Him and Him alone. I still have confidence – that He is weaving a beautiful story in my life. And oh ~ oh how my faith in Him has grown!
Friends, I still have joy – joy that comes from knowing that I am HIS.
I hope that you do too. I pray that you do. In Him, we have gained everything. Please. Don’t forget to remember that. You are HIS. His hands hold you. HE writes your story.
Let’s look to Him together. Him and Him alone.
“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12: 1-2
Me too. Me too.
Ps – you forgot to call me. 😉
Bwahahaha. I couldn’t resist! From one foggy brain Sister to another.
Ps ditto – I have GREAT news to you!!
Ps ditto ditto – expect a box in the mail by Saturday. 🙂
Ps – ditto ditto ditto
Jesus love you!!!
Not such a strange world, since my stroke, I have not always been firing on all cylinders either. It is what it is; like it or not it is my life. Thanks!