I feel disgusting – reprehensible – and all around SICK. My throat is coated with junk. So is my tongue. The contents of my stomach are coming up like ravaging mucous monsters – threatening to steal my breath and destroy me. It feels like heaps of CRUD are just sitting in my stomach – it is gurgling and tossing and nothing is coming out in all the right places. (how I wish it just would). TMI? Ha Ha.
It’s seeping….steeping. What’s it making inside of my body? I’m afraid to think about that right now. My skin is shriveling up. Dehydrated feeling from all the poison inside of me. Walking in a fog – a daze. I was nervous to talk to people on the phones today for fear of what I might blurt out of my mouth in the cloudiness of it all!
I want to recoil – get into a little ball and wake up tomorrow and it will be gone. The Annie of Wednesday this week would emerge – refreshed, renewed. This morning I woke up with a TOXIC food headache. Why?
It’s the yucky, icky, gooey, CRUDDY feeling. And I did it to myself on purpose!
I know this feeling – my body remembers it well. So sad – so sickeningly familiar – yet laced with the horizon of hope for the non-icky days that lie ahead of me. The days in which the yucky, icky, gooey, CRUD feeling will lift. It will be smashed. Obliterated. Killed and told to run far, far away!
Renewal will ensue. Oh, thank GOD for tomorrow.
Without going into a long story, I shall tell you how the icky entered in today and yesterday. These past two days I have had to “fat load” for a specific eating and nutrition plan phase of my treatment with my fibromyalgia and wellness doctor and the plan he has me on. Over the past three months, I have healed tremendously – PRAISE JESUS! Through prayer, support from family and friends and church family, AND this amazing program this doctor is doing with me, I have finally seen some reprieve from the horrid symptoms that have plagued me for about two years – I was being relentlessly plagued and tortured physically! But I grew much out of that ick.
The yucky, and yes – the oh-so-icky – the gooey and CRUDDY feelings dissipated these last few months. Health and healing began. Energy dared to poke its beautiful and very missed face out from down below the junk. Smiles and laughter returned without being forced. The old Annie that I have always been inside but was hidden for so long, got to come out and play.
I knew this part was coming – the transition into an EVEN CLEANER eating plan. I knew it would be ugly. And I don’t do ugly well – remember?
Honestly, I was already eating mostly (probably 90%) clean. However, it’s time to release (actually do a prison break of sorts) the stored yellow fat that is trapped deep inside from the months and years my body was hoarding it to protect itself. I don’t know what that will look like over the next couple of months, but the first two days are supposedly the hardest part because you must “trick” your body to attack fat – by EATING IT for two days!
You wouldn’t know it’s there so much – the yellow gooey and stored up junk – but it is. About 30 pounds of it. It’s hidden deep – down in the crevices. It’s hoarding the miniscule amount of estrogen I have left. It’s holding down toxins along with it – coating it in a protective sheath – it’s a poison that thinks it’s there to protect me, friends. I know, I know – it doesn’t make sense, yet it does. Too much to explain here. Just trust me.
I was in fight or flight for a LONG time. Uninterrupted upside down-ness (yes, I make up my own words). Roller coaster chick right here. (I hate them, by the way) Even when I found ways to hide it or hold it at bay (running all the time when I could), it was only a matter of time before nothing was going to help eliminate the repercussions of extended fight or flight status from taking their full blown toll.
Well, that moment came with a vengeance about two years ago. I have been a mess ever since. Until three months ago! Whoo Hoo.
And now – for a slice of time in my honeymoon period, this girl has been interrupted.
The lovely dream has been interrupted by a temporary, but very yucky nightmare. Yes, the icky. And the gooey… CRUD.
So I fat loaded yesterday and today and it has been U-G-L-Y. I have been primarily juicing prior to this. Most people on this program love these fat load days and hate it when they have to move toward the clean eating after that. I hate the fat loading days and am SO glad I don’t have to do it again! Did I say Hate? Abhor. Despise. Want to slaughter them.
And for that, I am thankful.
I am thankful that this “new” part of the program – the part that will be how I probably end up eating forever, is really not new for me at all. I get to return tomorrow to juice, nuts, minimal starches and sugars (if any), and lean fish and meats. I get to do that while the doctor’s natural drops work their wonders in my fat cells.
Do I have some ugly days ahead? Yep. But I won’t have the compound detox effect I would have if I’d been fat loading daily for the past year. And THAT is GOOD.
I will, however have some detox from the stored stuff that’s being released to be “eaten up” by the magic drops. Will you pray for me these next couple of months friends? More importantly, will you ponder the following rant of mine for a moment with me too?
You see…today I was thinking (oops!) I was thinking about how much this fat loading adventure reminds me of our need to get the junk out daily with Jesus. As we grow closer to him, we can start to think we have pure hearts. We can start to believe that we aren’t sinning all that much anymore, so hey – all is well in the world. It’s good to walk in the victory that He has won for us, so I am not saying we should be depressed or hate ourselves at all. But I am saying that it really is true that sin and ugly and icky and gooey and yucky stands out more starkly to us when we are removing it daily and not letting it build up inside.
At the same time, even when we are doing that – that daily purging with Jesus – if the ick creeps back in – well, let’s just say it still hurts.
- It still makes me double over.
- It still reminds me of ugly and harsh and dark and painful.
- It reminds me of burdens that weren’t meant to be carried by myself alone.
- And yes – that yucky, icky CRUD reminds me of the beauty that is found in the removal of it.
It is alien to me now – the ick and the goo. It used to be the other way around. My body rejects it now. I am being completely honest when I say I wasn’t sure I’d make it through these two days. Eating junk all day? Pouring it into an almost clean system (except for the stored yellow stuff that’s still in there)? This girl didn’t know if she could keep it down! I still have a few hours to go – so I shouldn’t get too cocky here!
But the point is this: I get to rejoice today, friends. Rejoice, I say! I am celebrating the fact that my body sees the bad stuff as an alien invasion. And I get to do the same thing about my sin! Even though it’s in my nature to sin, it’s no longer my desire to let it stay.
And that’s because HE lives there. And he will not co-exist with such unwelcome visitors!!! Now the yucky, icky, gooey, CRUD is the unwelcome one!
And that beautiful hope and glorious redemption? THAT is far more “sticky” than the yucky or the icky or the gooey stuff any day. It will be with me for all eternity.
How about you, dear friend? Is there something yucky ailing you today? What is inside that is foreign to your body, your mind, your heart? Is it something that needs to be removed? Do you fear the hurt that will come about if you pluck it out? Why not ask Jesus for help while the toxins are released? He can help, you know. We have only to ask. He will draw near to us in our suffering, reveal more of Himself to us in the process, and yes – if it is in His perfect will to remove the affliction, this too, he shall do!
Nail it – nail it there into the cross. If the suffering is staying a while, draw near to Him in the midst of it. If it’s time for him to remove it, allow it and rest in his embrace – especially if it hurts. He has already won the victory against all alien and icky and ugly and yucky and gooey and unwelcome forces. You are His child. Live in the glory of his grace, mercy and beautiful redemption.
Won’t you meet him there?
“But if, while we seek to be justified by Christ, we ourselves also are found sinners,is Christ therefore a minister of sin? Certainly not! For if I build again those things which I destroyed, I make myself a transgressor. For I through the law died to the law that I might live to God. I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God; for if righteousness comes -through the law, then Christ died in vain.” Galatians 2: 17-21
Great post. Love that you make up words! 😀 awesome that you continue to move forward even through the tough days. #powerofhope
Btw…I saw that you liked a post on a family friends FB wall, Drew OBrien. (Speaking if God’s healing power) small world.
Keeping you in prayer sister.