As I begin to write to you tonight, dear friends, I must pause to laugh at myself. (This I can always count upon – the fact that I can entertain myself by laughing out loud at the way that my crazy little mind works).
Anyway, the reason I am laughing so hard right now, is due to the fact that I really wanted to make this blog post one that would be uplifting, full of praise and fun-filled joy and enthusiasm. Ha Ha!!!
But as always, I write what the Lord places upon my heart – and He works in such really neat, yet mysterious ways, does He not?
So, instead of a funny or sunshine-filled post tonight, this is what you are getting from me instead. Get ready!
Rather than go into a lot of detail, I just want to say that I really am “messed up” right about now – (still laughing). I am a big, mushy, hormonal, and wrecked mess! From previous blog posts, this should come as no surprise to you.
My point, however, is that it is not “getting better” friends. Not at all. I have been praying so hard for the Lord to grow me through this, “normalize” me just enough to be able to do life the way that would glorify Him, and just be able to work through life without it seeming like I have to drown to take a breath. (OK…I guess that’s a little dramatic, but it really does seem like that sometimes).
No, things with the hormone craziness are just not coming along. It has seemed that no matter what I have been open to trying, I can’t get these little hormonal issues straight.
Long ago, I gave up on the idea I could control it completely – but I still fought hard to put my best foot forward. I hadn’t yet realized that no matter what, I would just have no control whatsoever. I can only do what I can do, and that ain’t much, let me tell ya!
Yes, like with everything else, this must be turned over to God completely. In a sense, I feel like I need to give up.
Let me ask you: Where is the difference between surrender and giving up? Is there a difference to be found? Or is it really just the same thing?
The real point of this story tonight is this:
We are all messed up in various ways at different phases in our lives. Some of us (looking in the mirror right now) are REALLY messed up. Just when I think that the kind of mess I am in is at least a better mess than it used to be – e.g. – the kind that is not due to willful sin or disobedience, but something beyond my control (“menopause – I hate your guts”), I realize it is still all due to the imperfection that is part of the life of a sinful human.
Thank God I am not just that. Thank HIM that I am saved by His grace!
Any kind of “messed up” is an indicator of the fact that we need a Savior. When sin entered the world, so did iniquity – sickness, germs, chemical imbalance, all kinds of “messed up” came into our world and made us less than perfect.
It made us imperfect, which is messed up.
What is “messed up” in your world or life today? Is it something you can work on with God’s help, or have you been doing that and are kind of at a loss as to what else you can do? Is it something, like what I have going on, where you don’t know quite how you are going to be able to do life, or when or if God is going to intervene, and you feel like you have to “give up” in a sense?
There have been so many times that I have thought I had surrendered it all to God – my particular “messed up” in my life or situation. So many times I thought I had turned it all over to Him, and then realized I really hadn’t yet.
I don’t yet know if this is one of those times or not. I know I have tried and not tried – to surrender and turn things over. But it all is just still so messed up.
The most messed up of all? How much worse I know things could be, yet this still is absolutely taking over my life! This is where the enemy is getting to me. The guilt trip. The ugly beating down inside that this bothers me so much. The fact that I have it so good and am so blessed in spite of this little bit of messed up going on in my life right now, and I can’t seem to get my focus to be fixed in the right place – upon HIM and upon those blessings instead of this pervasive messed up stuff!
But I do know this: no matter what, this is as bad as it gets for me as a Christian – this messed up stuff to contend with in this life. And it’s not ALL bad, either.
It only goes up from here. Eternity with Christ – perfected – no sin – no iniquity – that’s where it’s at. I can’t wait.
Up is not messed up.
Guess what? I will keep looking up through the messed up today. I will remember that sometimes, we just cannot rely upon our own understanding. I will revel in the knowledge that my Lord knows I am trying to be obedient to Him, seek His will, take the steps He wants for me to in order to make things better (with my crazy hormones and the way I react to all of that mess), all the while knowing that even if NONE OF MY ACTIONS MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE, that He has things the way He wants them to be right now.
He will take care of us, friends – even in our “messed up” times. He will perfect us and make Himself and His power known through our weaknesses.
We just need to take it one moment and one day at a time.
Remember to look up to Him – even when all you feel like you can do is to look down. Because in the midst of the mess and the jumbled up confusion and caous of life, He is the light that shines through it all and brings about beauty and hope.
He knows how the pieces of the puzzle that has been pulled, ripped or torn apart work together to create the picture and fulfill the plans that are perfect – they are all reflected in His divine eyes.
Especially when we can’t see it ourselves, He still can, and He still does. Know this and count upon it when all you can see around you is what seems to look like shattered glass.
Light shines through that array of broken stuff all the more.
Instead of trying to erase that which is a mess in our own lives, let’s focus upon the only guarantee of a clean slate we can ever really have anyway – given to us through the salvation that Jesus Christ offers to us as we follow after Him with all our “hearts, minds, and souls.”
He loves us all – He cleans up all of our messes – and strengthens us for His good purpose.
What a Mighty and Awesome Savior we have the privilege to serve. Praise Him for rescuing us from the “dominion of darkness” and saving us from all of our junk that is utterly “messed up.”
11 being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, 12 and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you[f] to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light. 13 For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, 14 in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. Colossians 1:11-14
I hear you! I know about physically “messed up”; after my chemotherapy treatments for breast cancer I went into a chemically induced tailspin and it was no fun. I tried an anti-depressant and it zonked me out. (To survive depression: sleep through it.)
At times I had to shut down and refuse to think or my mind would whirl through suspicions and forebodings. I found it helped (to give my mind a break) to sit and focus on something repetitive like rain or snowflakes coming down. And I made it through; the clouds finally lifted. It was a trip I took for some months 32 years ago. Hang in there, Annie. Concentrate on surviving and you will come through. DON’T try to deal with spiritual shortcomings during this time. (File for later review all questions like: What’s wrong with me, God, that I don’t have more victory?)
And now the “messed up” has taken a different form; I recently learned I have CLL or chronic lymphocytic leukemia. No stamina. I get hot sweats anytime. This will get a lot worse before the doctors consider treating it.
‘To will’ is still present with me, but ‘to do’ has departed. I’ve been berating myself because I can’t work anymore; now that I know what’s wrong I’ve switched to a ten-minute mind-set. If I can work at something for more than ten minutes, I’m glad, but if I aim for two hours of hoeing garden, for example, I’ll give up in defeat. Frustration lurks in the corners, but I can keep it at bay with my newest thought: We’re in this world to enjoy life and praise God, not to make ourselves miserable because of what we can’t do.
Sorry this is so long. (Perhaps I will make it a post on my own blog shortly.)
I have recently made a decision not to react based on feeling. That has helped, but it did not remove the feeling immediately. I finally experienced some relief after two days of feeling overwhelmingly anxietous. Letting go is not easy when you feel bad. I have been prescribed an antidepressant for times when I am experiencing hormonal fluctuations, but I have also realized that the overwhelming feelings often come from feeling out of control. I would like to say that all is perfect here also, but that is not accurate either. I would like to say however, that sometimes we as Christians can seek spiritual growth, when there is a physical answer. I also think that spiritual growth had become a false idol to me. That it was a desire for me act, think, and respond perfectly, however, I cannot. I am nothing without Christ, and He is/knows the answer to all of my problems. I recently discovered that 100% of women over 35 have estrogen overdose which is related to a number of complications, including allergies, and decreased seratonin levels. I wish that you were close, so that we could have you at our Women’s Support Group!!! We will be addressing all of these issues and more, and it will be a great time of healing and health-related discussions. We are also including art into the program, as I believe it is another form of expression often neglected, yet sooo needed!! God Bless you in your journey!!
Thanks for this post. It made me smile through the hormonal fog I’ve been in for more than a year. Some days I just feel like my body has given up on me or me on it. I still have figured out which. Without Him sometimes I want to give up or surrender. This was one of those days as I got ready for Church my body wanted to retreat into a dark corner, but my faith resisted and I realized as I headed home from Church hours later that faith won out and I was glad. We have to keep our eyes heavenward or the devil (That’s my name for hormones) will win and that’s not in His plan. Have a great day and remember He loves us imperfections and all…
Reblogged this on Stephanie Hurt – Author/Accountant/Children's Minister and commented:
This is a wonderfully faith filled post. Especially poignant for all us ladies in the throws of hormonal misery.
You are so right in that “we are all messed up” in some way. On my widow’s journey I cried out many times for help and it often did not come when I wanted it, but God was guiding me all the time, as he is you. God bless.
Thank you so much for your honesty! This post really hit home for me. I am so messed up but God is helping me to be a beautiful mess. 🙂